Torn
by CM Fanfiction
Summary: "It seemed I was torn. I wanted my goodbye, and I didn't. I wanted him to make me stay, and I wanted to go."
1. Chapter 1

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

 _With a broken heart that's still beating_

 _-x-_

She was finally home after three months out but not for long. Anyway, that place would not be her home anymore. She took a deep breath looking at the place as if she had never done before.

She put her purse on the couch, and climbed the stairs to her room. She had one week to resolve some pending issues in London before returning to the United States as the leader of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit, a fact that she was still digesting.

She had been totally taken by surprise, but she loved those people, she just said yes before even thinking. She was afraid. She didn't know she was ready, but she couldn't deny.

She took her luggage to start pack all her things to go definitely back to America, but before, she did what she needed to do, sent him a message: "Hi, I'm home", he instantly replied with a 'happily surprised' emoji, and then thirty 'big smile' emojis, which brought a smile to her face. Then he wrote: I am on my way!

She put her cellphone on the head of the bed, and began to pack her things, clothes, shoes, personal items.

During this process, she tried not to think too much. After all, it would be extremely easy for her, who had already been through so much, to maintain a long distance relationship ... #SaidNoOneEver.

He came home and went straight to look for her, who was in their bedroom, in the middle of a mess of clothes, bags, shoes, etc.

Walking through these 'obstacles', he smiled big and hugged her tight, "Babe! I missed you like hell! Why didn't you call me? I'd go pick you up at the airport. These were the three worst months of my entire life!"

"Don't be exaggerated." She smiled.

He held her face gently and kissed her. She wished that kiss would never end so she would not have to tell him she was leaving, but no matter how much they loved each other, the kiss had to end.

Immediately after, she looked down instead of looking at him. He touched her chin, making her look at him. She looked for a second, but then she looked down again, walking away from him.

"We need to talk."

Meanwhile, he had realized the amount of luggage scattered around the room. She had not taken it all to USA, he thought, so he concluded, "You are not staying, right?"

Her tongue licked across her bottom lip as she was trying to avoid making eye contact, "Mark, something happened to our former boss and they asked me and…"

He did not even let her finish the sentence, "…and you said yes?"

"…I couldn't say no."

"…For how long?"

She looked down. She was feeling extremely uncomfortable because there was not a good way to give this news, way that would hurt less.

"Actually, there is no … I mean… I am quitting Interpol. I am going back to FBI. They need me, Mark."

"What do you mean? Forever?"

"Forever is too much to say. Right now, I am moving back to America. I'm leaving Interpol. I'm coming back to FBI for good, definitely, until they need me."

There were a few minutes of silence. "What about us?"

"We still can do this, Mark. I know it's going to be hard but we still can make it work."

"Seriously, Emily? You really think we can make it work living in different continents?"

Trying hard to believe it, she said, "Yes…"

"Have you ever thought about us when you chose to go back to America?"

"It was not a matter of choice. I already said, I couldn't say no and I have my reasons. I really think we can still make it work. I love you and I don't think I need to prove that."

She approached him and touched his face, "Mark, it is a big life change, I would greatly appreciate a support from you."

Dodging her, he spat out, "Support? First, after all those nightmares, you go to America and let me know only when you are there, that's okay, it's your job. Then, all of a sudden, you go again to America and spend three months, we barely have time for a phone talk, but that's okay, it's your job, and now this, you tell me you are moving back to America, without even ask my opinion, without even a talk and as I can see you already packed most of your things, and you want me to support you, I'm sorry, Emily, but I don't see where I fit in your life."

"This whole thing has been already so difficult for me, Mark."

She was referring to having to stay away from him; having to take the place of Hotchner, who is a person she loved so much; having to be leader of the team, which is a huge responsibility; and many other insecurities; all she wanted now was a hug.

"We can do it if we make an effort, Mark. We both have to be willing to do so."

"I don't believe in long distance relationship."

She sat on the bed as a lost battle, "So, that's it? That's the end? You'll give up on us that easily?"

"It was your choice, Emily." He walked to the nightstand, opened the drawer. He took a small jewel box and threw it on the bed. He left the room.

She was torn between go after him or open the box. As she heard the door slamming, she chose to open the box.

It was a wedding ring. She opened her mouth, speechless.

-x-


	2. Chapter 2

" _Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― Lao Tzu

-x-

After he left, she tried not to think about what had just happened. She turned on the compartmentalization button and continued packing her things.

She knew. She always knew that one day she would go back home. She just needed some time far away, and when Clyde offered her that spot in London, though he always had "bad timing", it seemed like the perfect time to escape her life for a while. She could be sure where she belonged to, and now she knew her heart was in the BAU, America, her home, her safe place.

Around 10 pm, she had all her packages near the door, leaving only few clothes for the few upcoming days she would spend in London signing the papers to resign Interpol.

She poured herself a bottle of wine and settled comfortably on the couch. She was hoping that at any moment he would open de door. For twice or three times, she was tempted to pick up her cell phone and call him, but she gave up thinking he may needed space.

She wondered if she was wrong when she thought he was the right one for her. If he would be the one who would support her no matter what. She was sure he would be who would always be there for her, and now, for a moment, she was in doubt, and all that fear of falling into that lonely life she lived in America once came back.

Of course, she had her friends there who were more than a family to her, but at the end of the day, when she closed the door of her apartment, it was just her. She thought that even though Mark could not, at that first moment, move with her to America, at least she knew she had someone to love, and to love her back, but if he was not that person, then it would be best if he did not come back home that night, but this was the perfect chance for her definitely know him. This was like the final test.

She fell asleep on the couch. She was tired. She woke up by a noise. For a moment, she thought it was he at the door, but it was just her noisy neighbors. As it was past midnight, she decided to go to bed.

Before she lay down, she sat on the bed. She checked her cellphone, no messages, no lost calls, nothing. She took the velvet box in her hands once again. She took the ring and put on her finger wondering how can a person who is willing to spend the rest of the life with give up like this in the first obstacle? Well, understandable that it was a huge obstacle, of the size of an ocean literally but what is this compared to their feelings?

Feeling kinda comforted by wearing that ring, she lay down and soon she fell asleep on her side of the bed.

-x-

He felt somewhat ashamed of himself when he entered the apartment around 2am. His heart broke when he saw that pile of luggage at the door. Not by the fact that she would go back to America because having thought better this fact seemed now so insignificant compared to the his feeling for her, but because he was not there to help her with the bags.

In the silent of the bedroom, she was sleeping. He looked at her for a while and smiled thinking: 'Dude, how lucky you are!' He lay down beside her quietly to wake her up. He just stood there observing her for a while before she opens her eyes. Deep down, she knew he would come back.

"Hey." She said. She knew he would come back home.

"Sorry." He said really meaning it sincerely.

"That's okay. I caught you totally off the guard."

He searched for her hands to entwine their fingers, and smiled big at seeing that she was wearing the ring, but she immediately took off it, "Oh, I was… I totally forgot and I fell asleep wearing it…"

"Why are you taking it off?"

Handing the ring back to him, she said, "Because I want you to ask me. That's what you had planned to do, right?"

He smiled and was already kneeling on the bed.

"But not now, Mark."

He looked at her a bit disappointed.

"First, we need to talk. About this whole situation and how things will work out."

He put the ring on the bedside table, "Okay… we can talk."

She entwined her fingers with his, "Not now, just kiss me. I missed you so much."

She broke the kiss just to say, "You Are a Fabulous Kisser."

-x-

He woke up the next morning, and after his personal hygiene, he went straight to where that delicious smell of fresh coffee was coming from.

She was standing in front of the kitchen counter, waiting for the coffee machine to have the coffee ready.

He hugged her from behind, kissing the curve of her neck, "Seeing you brighten my day. I missed it a lot."

She turned to kiss him, "Good morning." She said.

"Morning… You look so beautiful today, just like every day."

"You always know the right thing to say to make me smile, Mark."

Still hugging her, he said, "It's truth. I really mean it."

"I know you meant it, but maybe it's because I have the best boyfriend with the best skills in the world that makes me so happy."

He smiled knowing what she was talking about, "Even a terrible version of yesterday night would have been mind-blowing."

"Yes." She said.

They sat at the kitchen counter to have breakfast while talking. She had prepared a few slices of brown bread in the toaster to eat with grape jelly, her favorite, and the coffee.

Predicting what lay ahead, he took a deep breath. As much as she did not want to bring the issue up and ruin the moment, it was all their future and they had to discuss it, but she was sad and confused. She had decided already to take the position of the new BAU unit chief, but she had not thought about how things would be between them.

"I don't know how to start." She smiled nervously.

Well, it was time for Mark to prove his feelings for her. He reached her hands, "Emily, I missed you like hell when you were not here and I'm going to miss you a lot more now, but it would go crazy if I lost you. Every day I spent with you for the last three years was a real blessing to me and my love for you gets stronger each day. My life is so much more complete because I have you in it that I cannot imagine my life without you being a part of it anymore. You will not be here physically, but waking up every day and thinking about you and knowing that you will be thinking of me too, it will give me strength to continue, and for you too. This will make our meetings much more special, although I still prefer to wake up with you every day, but I know that day will still come."

"You think?"

"I'm sure! …and I will keep that ring for that occasion. Our relationship will be stronger by making it through this, Emily."

"I was afraid I was going to lose you just now that I'm going to need your support the most. I've got some big shoes to fill."

"You are the smartest person I know. You'll do it just great just like everything you do." He approached to hug her, "…And you'll never lose me. I promise." He kissed her on the head.

She looked at him, "I love you, Mark."

"I love you, too."

-x-


End file.
